Friday, 19 August 2016

Quotes from the last few months


I do this thing where I copy down quotes into my diary.  It breaks up all my constant ranting and leaves a passage where there are words written by someone other than myself for a change.


May

"For she was one of those happily created beings who please without effort, make friends everywhere, and take life so gracefully and easily, that less fortunate souls are tempted to believe that such are born under a lucky star." - Little Women (p279)

"My heart is constantly tethered between 'I need more routine and stability in my life' and 'I crave endless messy and honest conversations, getting lost in the middle of nowhere, falling deeply in love and travelling the world and living each day wildly, honestly and intentionally.' Forever caught between a strong mind and a fragile heart." - Unknown

"Being alone feels like a problem that needs to be solved." - Sherry Turkle

"While these internal revolutions were going on, her external life had been as busy and uneventful as usual." - Little Women (p385)

"#whitewashedOUT means being told as a kid 'you talk like a white person' and feeling guilty for being glad of it." - Lori M. Lee

"Well I'm glad I don't have to go and be with all those frightening people and think of things to say." - Little Women

"He was sea-dreaming.  Imagining things that would hurt him later.  Now, even." - The Winner's Kiss (p179)


June

"like when you draw a picture of a friend and it's almost right but not quite, and the face on the sheet gives you the creeps." - Never Let Me Go (p116)

"Sometimes I act a lot older than I am - I really do - but people never notice it.  People never notice anything." - The Catcher in the Rye (p10)

"The goddamn movies.  They can ruin you.  I'm not kidding." - The Catcher in the Rye (p113)

July

"It will happen to me as to them." - Thomas Mann

"The moment you admit to loving someone is the moment you admit to having a lot to lose." - Unknown

"Students think that their environment is diverse if one comes from Missouri and another from Pakistan - never mind that all of their parents are doctors or bankers." - William Deresiewicz


August

"So when you look at yourself,
tell me, who do you see?
Is it the person you've been,
or the person that you're
gonna be?" - Greg Holden

Love,
M

Monday, 15 August 2016

Self Absorbed

I feel as if I'm trapped inside this cloud of I's.  I I I I me me me me... the first person pronoun is swimming in the air around me; it's my whole world - and what I want to find out is if I'm the only one.  Is everyone else just as self absorbed as I seem to be?  Or is it just me?  Or is it just this generation?

Us girls we love taking selfies.  Even if we don't post them, I can assure you, each one of us has a section of our camera roll filled with maybe twenty selfies taken on one good day?  Maybe we found good lighting or decided to do our makeup for once.  Either way, we're enamoured by our appearance.  I mean, just look at the majority of Facebook profile pictures, or Instagram feeds full of selfies and more selfies.  But is this a bad thing?  Is this a sign of self confidence and appearance appreciation, or does it just show how vain we are?

And what about social media?  We're creating profiles to showcase ourselves, to effectively create a brand.  Like me, follow me - is external validation another way to feed our self absorption?  And I don't know about you, but I know that I stalk myself more than I stalk all other people put together.  Social media is this surreal, addictive world of narcissism, and when you sit back and think about it for a while, the reasons we have behind everything we do online are absurd.

It's not only online though... think about what happens when you talk to people.  Are you more concerned about what you say, or about what they're saying?  When they talk, are you busy thinking of your response, or are you actually listening?  How much do you talk about yourself?  I know that I fail in the selfless aspect of every one of these questions.  How did I appear today?  Do they like me? Do they?  Oh what I said there was so stupid.  This entire train of thought is stupid.

There's this girl who seems all cutesy and dog-loving and funny and all that, but lately I've gotten a little irritated every time she tells a story about some funny failure she had, or when she butts into a conversation and diverts it to being about herself.  She seems to over-dramatise everything for the sake of attention.  Like, you know those people who say they love something cute like Disney Channel and suddenly it becomes on the verge of an obsession and they're buying merchandise and continuously posting snapchat stories and diverting conversations so they can laugh about it and act all cute?  Or those people who, when they have nothing else to say, say things like "I'm dying" or "I'm having one of those days", and it happens almost every day.  Well, she does all these things  What worries me though, is that while I'm sitting here being annoyed by her, I'm prone to doing the exact same thing.  I'm prone to wanting to look a certain way and diverting conversations to myself and overdramatising things for the sake of attention.  A lot of people are.  Have people always been like this?

And then there's the whole inner self worth thing as well.  The other day we were discussing this girl who blatantly changes topics so that she can boast about how smart she is, or all the co-curriculars she excels at - and the question came up as to why she does that.  Sometimes having a big ego is a good thing, because it makes you feel as if you don't need other people.  You become immune to that feeling of exclusion and missing out, if only because you think you're too good for everyone else.  Maybe being self absorbed is another way of coping emotionally in society.

But when you stop thinking about how you're going to wear your hair tomorrow, what the next story you're going to tell is, or how hipster you are; you have more time to listen to other people's stories, read a book maybe, appreciate this thing we call the Olympics.  I've just been getting really distracted with all these really self-focused thoughts lately, and it's been detrimental to how big this bubble I live in is.  Right now it's very freaking small, and I think I needed to write this post to remind myself that it's time to expand it.

Love,
M

Wednesday, 27 July 2016

Be Good to Yourself

Let all the other people in this world vanish from your head for a moment.  Zone in on yourself, minus other people's opinions getting in the way.  When you stop thinking about that certain someone, or that reputation - suddenly you depends on you, and it's just a little bit frightening.  Without other people's thoughts or validation, what are you?  Where does you come from?  How do you expand on this you?

I've been weirdly nice to myself for the last two days, and I'm writing this post now because I'm scared that it'll go away any minute now.  Here's a little list of what I've been trying to turn into good habits:



Reading my daily horoscope

You know how there's those news things on snapchat, on the same screen as everybody's stories?  Well, if you click on the one that says Vice, one of the articles is always your daily horoscope.  Now, because I live on the other side of the world from the US, the time difference is over 12 hours, meaning my daily horoscope arrives some time in the afternoon or evening.  So at the end of the day I check my daily horoscope, in order to not self prophesise, because however much the stars may be respected I am not letting them dictate what I do.  Instead I analyse my horoscope to see how well it relates to how my day has been, and it's been surprisingly accurate lately.  I feel like there's so much uncertainty in life, and having something that predicts how you're going, no matter how far fetched your interpretations have to be to connect it to your day, gives you a little bit more control and peace of mind.


Joining a book swap (or get a pen pal or something)

This may just be related to what I've done over the last couple of days, but this is one of them.  It involved me actually posting something on Facebook, which is a shocker but has also showed me how sometimes social media can be a good thing that connects people and possibly exposes them to new, unprecedented material.  Agreeing to this was good because it's left me excited.  I just love the idea of sending a book I love to a stranger.  I want to leave a little note on the book and everything, and maybe it'll make this person happy.  Not to mention, I also get a whole bunch of free books in return.



Watching a TED Talk every night

This is one habit I love.  I've watched TED talks on personality, motivation, racial identity... all sorts of things.  Late at night, before reading, I plug my headphones in, play the video, and just lie there.  Sometimes if I'm really tired I'll close my eyes and listen to the voice, and other times I'll be fully engaged and watching, even writing down a quote if something jumps out at me.  TED talks are wonderful, wonderful things, and watching one every night is a good excuse to learn something new.


Watching Gilmore Girls

This show is innocent, relatable and the perfect thing to make you feel a little happier and warm inside.


Going absolutely makeup free

Okay, so if you're going to an event, or you're seeing a boy/girl you want to impress... fine.  I get it.  Makeup is confidence sometimes.  But what about all those days where you're literally just doing your usual?  Yes, you might be in public - but does it really matter?  Don't make putting makeup on become a daily ritual.  Your skin will thank you, and eventually your self confidence will too.



Trying free opportunities

So today we went to a free yoga class at school.  I mean, it wasn't great and it was a little dodgy, but it was nice to try something new.  It's like how in the holidays we went to a free boxing class, and a free weights class, or how we walked through free art galleries.  Doing stuff out of the norm makes you feel accomplished and more full, and the fact that it's free makes you feel even better.


Writing more

For the longest time I was only writing in my diary once a week maybe.  There was this month or two long period where I had absolutely no blog post inspiration, and no longing to even write one.  But over the last week I've been writing in my diary almost every day.  What I write about changes drastically on a day to day basis, because clearly my problems are situational, and my mind works in an 'out of sight, out of mind' way - but writing everything down makes me feel great and in control.  Having my thoughts laid out in words on a page makes me feel like I know myself better.  I know that not everybody's a diary person, but try writing whatever comes to your head down.  Just once.


Good luck and have a nice day.

Love,
M

Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Back At It

I'm currently sitting in a huge empty room at school and there is absolutely no one around.  It's the first time I've felt at peace since school started yesterday.  I don't know what it is about being alone in a place that I know is full of people.  Upstairs they're learning or studying or making memories - and here I am.  It's nice.

Maybe this has to do with that whole over-stimulation thing I watched in a TED talk the other day.  Apparently some people thrive from being stimulated by conversations and crowds, while others can't be stimulated too much or they'll feel overwhelmed.  I think that's what's happened to me over the holidays.  I've been so used to one-on-one conversations, and now suddenly there's crowds and people everywhere.  I can't take it.

Sometimes I panic.  People will talk to me and I'll know that everyone else is listening, so I'll automatically say whatever it is that I think will make me sound better.  And then later I'll analyse and analyse what I said, and it'll sound so so stupid.  I think that's what stimulation does.  It gives you more material to get anxious over, when really I should throw all these pages of analysis in the air and not give a care in the world.

What I hate and love about school is the routine.  It's two days in and the early mornings are getting to me.  The next few weeks are looming in front of me like a huge shadow on my life.  They're full of homework and assessments and planned extracurriculars.  It's like once the school term starts it consumes me.  I envision it consuming every moment of my life, to the point where I can't do exciting things.  I can't have a nice meal with a friend.  I can't laugh and be free as I was a mere week ago.

But I can.  Just because school has started doesn't mean my life is all work and commitments.  Sure, school will take up most of my time, but I want to be busy, don't I?  I love being occupied without a single moment of boredom, even involuntarily.  It's not like I have tests and assignments and a growing pile of homework all the time.  I have free time, and I don't know why I'm under the delusion that I don't.

Sometimes school just makes me feel so weak.  When it's not around I'm able to successfully separate school and life.  My life is not school and school is only a part of my life.  That's how it is and that's how I should see it.  But when I'm here 5 days a week, it starts to feel like it's everything.  I no longer seem to make plans with people outside of school.  I don't work as much.  School and all the cookie-cut people inside of it are all I have, and I can feel myself shrinking as I walk onto the campus.

But it's not so bad.  It's not nearly as bad as I make it out to be.  In fact, sometimes I absolutely love my life with school in it.  Either way, this routine is my life now, and I'd better love it or I'm going to be utterly miserable.

Love,
M

Tuesday, 12 July 2016

Weirdly Happy?

Carefree.  That's what I'd call this feeling.  Ever since the holidays started I have been positively carefree.  I've been going to art galleries, eating lots and lots of food, trying chai lattes in every spot I can, searching and hunting for things to keep me preoccupied, keeping little cards and snippets in my pockets, braiding my hair, listening to music on buses, going to random gym classes, fantasising about following conversations based on ones I've already had, and going on long long walks.

What I haven't been doing is thinking.  I haven't been writing, or blogging.  I haven't been focused on one thing or another.  I guess that's what the definition of carefree is, in a way... and I'm not sure if I like it.

My thoughts aren't words anymore.  They're not structured.  They're not nice clear lines on a page, ready for me to analyse.  Instead I could describe them as a blob.  It's just a huge worry-free, pointless blob.  I need to look at screens less.  I want a Monica-Chandler relationship.  Is it a crush or is it boredom.  I want her to come home.  I feel bloated.  When is my next adventure?  When is it?  When is it?  When?

It's like I can't be alone.  I don't want to be home alone.  I don't want to have to sit here with nothing to do but write and watch Friends and lie in my bed staring at the ceiling.  I have this desperate need to make plans and explore and go out again and again and again all the time every day.

I don't want to be productive.  I don't want to do that unfinished maths homework from two weeks ago, back when school was ending, an entire lifetime ago.  I don't want to start practicing instruments or do my chores.  I don't want to be productive, but I don't want to do nothing either.  I want to have purpose, but going on 'adventures' again and again is not purpose.  I don't want school to start though.  Just the thought that I'll be back at school in a week makes me feel weak.  It'll be the end of this weird happiness.

Do you ever feel that way?  Where you have this phase where you're just never sad.  You don't care about anything.  Life is good, so you make problems for yourself.  Plans, plans, plans - that's all I want to have and without them I feel empty because I have no worries and I'm not thinking about anything.  I have no substance.

I'm bored so I'll obsess over things that aren't there.  I don't care whether it's good for me or bad.  I can't stop.  Obsessions make me happy.  They stand in the place of real thoughts and substance and time I should be spending trying to reach the top of Maslow's Pyramid.  Gotta catch em all.  Gotta find all those geocaches.  Gotta obsessively check who's liked what photo or seen my snap story, even though I don't care all that much.  Gotta look for all the signs telling me he likes me.  Gotta be better than you.

I think I should start writing more again.  I'll think about this blog - this little project of mine.  I'll analyse and analyse and analyse, because overthinking is so much better than not thinking at all.

Love,
M

Wednesday, 29 June 2016

A Bedroom Grows

After watching this really interesting documentary (CLICK HERE), I thought back to all the different phases my bedroom has been through.  A bedroom really is a reflection of personality.  The objects kept show what the inhabitant holds as special, what they're interested in; the room decoration gives the person a certain vibe.  My bedroom, is not, by any means, super tumblr or exotic or hipster.  In fact, it's quite understated and random.  I just find it interesting - all the little eurekas of room decor I carried through, or the drastic change in furniture at the beginning of this year.

So let's start in 2012.  That was the year 12 year old me put up the giant M collage on her door.  I don't have any photos of it, so let me paint a picture for you: At the very top of this door was a little paper-made wheel with four options; 'please knock', 'stay out', 'no boys allowed' and 'come in'.  It was coloured in with four different coloured pencils and each word was written in messy bubble letters.  Underneath this wheel was the huge collage consisting mainly of quotes, a couple of memes, photos of Taylor Swift and Katy Perry, and photos of cheezels and pringles and other logos of stuff that I really liked.  All these photos were printed on paper, cut out and blue-tacked onto the door in the shape of a giant M.

This was probably my favourite quote at the time:


and here's one of the memes I used to find exceptionally funny:


*****

Describing my room in 2013, it was pretty much exactly the same as it was in 2012.  My door was still exactly the same.  I was having arguments with my mum about the corner of my room she had claimed to store an old doll house, a box of barbies and a stocking full of stuffed animals.  My room had it's fair share of stuffed animals anyway though.

I had these two shelves, filled with the book series I was obsessed with at the time: Divergent, The Hunger Games, The Mortal Instruments, and a bottom shelf full of notebooks and diaries.  On top of these shelves were laid bandanas from the zoo holiday programs in red, blue and yellow, and on top of these bandanas sat all the stuffed animals I couldn't bring myself to throw away.  By this age I had grown out of them and was slightly ashamed, but I kept them there because I couldn't bear to have them gone.  Somewhere inside me I thought that they had hearts and souls too, and that they deserved to be cared for.  That's what watching Toy Story does to you.

I remember I started becoming more organised as well.  I have this 3x3 pigeon hole shelf thing where I would categorise each compartment.  I wrote labels in blue texta for both this and my two bookshelves, and stuck them on each bottom ledge with blue tack.

*****

2014 was when all the drawings came up.  That was the year I started to sketch things in lead pencil, rather than the cartoony looking people I had drawn prior.  Back then I didn't have a sketch book and I no longer used my folder entitled "M's Drawings", so every time I finished a drawing I would hang it on my wall.



As you can see I was still very much into books.

*****

When we got back from Malaysia in 2015, I had decided to have a major room makeover.  I was very into pineapples at the time.


I had started using the polaroid camera my friends had given me for my birthday, so I made a string of polaroids, with pineapple pegs of course.


Above these polaroids were some DIY painted quotes.


Adding to the tumblr-ness of this room, I also added fairy lights that didn't stay up for very long.



Then there was the top of my shelf, which I finally cleared of the stuffed animals, which left me more space for other things.


The drawings also came down and were replaced by the inconvenient sticky notes instead.


This sticky note wall was forever changing.  When I realised that I wasn't updating my to-dos and to-be-reads, I decided to put up hand-written quotes instead.


And then it was the massive collage, which I made straight after tearing down the M on my door, which was way overdue.


*****

At the beginning of 2016, my parents decided to take a trip to IKEA.  I was going into Year 11 so I needed a new desk to replace the old, tiny, messy one I had at the time.  While there, we also bought two new bookshelves, double the size of the two mentioned earlier.  This obviously changed up the layout of my room.

As well as this, my giant collage was torn down, replaced with paintings bought in Italy and little things from previous adventures found on the bottom of my shelf, where all my memories were kept and are still kept.  That's one thing about my room that has never changed.






As you can see, one toy didn't get the cut




 So, how has your room changed over time?

Love,
M




Thursday, 23 June 2016

Boys

He likes me, he likes me not, he likes me, he likes me not...

I think this is why I've been seemingly void of emotions these last couple of weeks.  This is why I lay in bed with the intention of reading, while instead my book is lying in my hand while I stare up at the ceiling, thinking about something else.  This is why I'm lazy and restless and annoyed.  This is why I don't seem to care about anything because it doesn't seem important.

I tell every single person a different vague story because I don't even know what the problem is myself...

Crushes are soul crushing, I say to myself.  The first step to every crush is to think they like you back.  We're all conceited and self-obsessed like that, and thinking they like you back just makes you so so happy.  It's like you have this sick hope that they could admire you as much as you admire them.  And what happens when you see them talking to another girl, or get a girlfriend, or so obviously don't like you back?  All those little fantasies vanish in a big sea of disappointment.

Boys are so complicated and a waste of time, I say to myself.  How do I know whether they like me? They can give me all the signs but still, how do I know?  What if they treat every other girl exactly the same?  What if I'm pathetically reading way too into things?  The point is, you'll never know unless they tell you so.  And does anyone actually tell you so these days?

It'll never go anywhere, I say to myself.  I think long and hard about the boy, and I wonder, would I actually want a relationship with him?  Would I want to change the dynamic of how things are right now?  And even if he did like me back, how would it go from there?  Often I can't even imagine it.

But then I'll be sitting in a movie theatre, and all I can think about is how nice it would be to lean on a boy's shoulder and have him call me cute.  I'll be walking out of school, and think about how nice it would be if he were there to pick me up.  Maybe I'm just bored.

So no, I don't like him.  I wrote that in my diary yesterday.  I don't like him.  I don't like him.  I don't like him, but I wouldn't mind if he likes me back.

Life will happen, and catching feelings only makes everything more complicated, so don't do it.  One day someone I'm in denial of liking will like me back and say so, but until that happens, there's no point in setting myself up for disappointment.

Love,
M