Wednesday, 29 July 2015

Stress Head


I have a philosophy.

I don't know about you, but I'm always stressing about something, always letting one aspect of my life exaggeratedly consume my mind.

In year 7 it was all about whether I was going to be 'popular' or not.  That was pretty much my primary school dream.  I thought high school was going to be my moment, so the mere concept of school overtook my mind.  No wonder I began writing thoughts in my diary, rather than drearily recapping moments.  Maybe that made things worse, because feelings began to become all the more real when documented on paper.

In year 8 it began to be more about my friends.  Was I meeting up enough?  Was she closer to her than me?  Every time I was uninvited to a party I felt broken inside.  It was like this wave of depression swept over me momentarily, all because of some petty invitation to a party of a person I wasn't even that close to.  The idea of being a second choice kept me up at night.  The idea of drifting away from someone made me want to try harder around them, made me desperate.

In year 9 I hated band with a passion.  Every week I would dread Thursday mornings.  And on Thursday afternoons I would already be thinking about the next week, relieved that it seemed so far away.  These mornings weren't nearly worth the amount of time I spent dwelling on them, dwelling on what I'd do or say.  I didn't need to sit in silence at every performance, wishing to be somewhere else.  I didn't need to be so surprised every time I somewhat enjoyed myself.  Band was the one bad spot in my life, I would think; but really I was just looking for something to think about, something to stress over.

Now it's the people at work.  I dwell and dwell and get so so paranoid about what they think of me.  Back when work wasn't the stressful point of my life, it used to be fun.  I used to be fun.  But now it's just the paranoid me, the uptight me, and that version of me needs to go away.  These people aren't worth the paranoia.  That's the difference between year 10 me and year 7 me.  I understand that people are people, and they're not worth stressing.  But without new people, what do I have to stress over?

I need to turn my stress into excitement.  Tomorrow morning my mum and I are going for breakfast.  What's more exciting than chai latte, scrambled eggs on toast, and bacon?

Tomorrow we're going to a careers expo, and I'm excited about that.  It'll be a nice change from the daily routine.

Tomorrow I'm working.  I'm looking forward to new conversations and improving my SOC score.  I'm looking forward to that feeling I get every time someone actually wants a rewards card.

On Friday it's my first road ready course, done with friends of course.  Maybe I'll even meet some new people.  Soon I'll be able to drive.

Saturday is the day of the formal.  I'm going with a group of friends, who also hired a party bus.  I'll be all dressed up, which means good photos.  One girl is bringing this guy from primary school, and I'm kind of excited to meet him again.  Another is bringing this guy I've heard quite a bit about, and another this guy who I'm hoping will see me in a new light.  And after, there'll be no after party, but instead a TV show based sleepover.  I'm genuinely excited about what should theoretically be a stressful night.  Why can't I have the same perspective on life?

I'm excited to get stuck back into assessment, to work for something.

I'm excited for Italy in January.  It'll be my last hurrah before quitting Latin after 4 years.

I'm excited for next year.  I'll be doing double specialist maths, physics, chemistry and English, because for some reason I'm trying to kill myself; but I'll also actually be working towards something.  I've also synced my free periods with a bunch of my friends, and the idea of studying in the sunlight or going to cafes during school hours makes me feel so grown up - maybe it's nothing but a fantasy, but that doesn't mean I can't be excited.  Psychology sounds like an interesting subject; especially the unit on how society impacts the brain.  I mean, I write about that a lot as you can tell, so maybe knowing more would help me improve my life?  It covers topics like conformity and relationships.  It's too bad I'm not taking psychology.

But why look towards the future at all?  What's wrong with now?  I could continue writing something I haven't looked at in over a month; I could do something productive, translate a Latin passage maybe; I could watch an episode of The Vampire Diaries or Friends; I could read a book; I could play an old piece on the piano - Just because it's 8pm on a Wednesday night doesn't mean I can't do things I wouldn't normally do.  I don't need to always read when I'm about to go to bed, or write only on days when I'm home all day in my pyjamas.  There's nothing wrong with simply doing anything.

There's no need to stress, because life is kind, freedom is available, and there is always an opportunity to make yourself better.

Love,
M

Saturday, 25 July 2015

Above and Over It


In some ways, high school is exactly like in the movies; not in the sense that there's a happily ever after necessarily, but in the sense that there's the whole cool uncool people thing.

People want to be cool by association.  I'm admitting it, there are popular people.  And this is coming from someone who never admitted the truth of topics like these because it  has always made me incredibly insecure.  The thing is, people are always striving to be seen with people they deem as cool.  They'll shamelessly get them on their snapchat stories.  They'll be desperate to post photos with them on their social media.  And it's all great for the people who are wanted, but what about those who are given the camera and asked to take the photo, because they're not really wanted in the shot?

When you're seen as not-as-cool (if I could think of a better way to describe this I would) people treat you differently.  It's like you're not worth their respect, like you're not a real person to have a conversation with.  They'll say things like "it was so nice seeing you" but if it's you standing there alone without the cool-by-association person next to you, they wouldn't come over to start a conversation.  Being associated with you won't get them anywhere.

And the thing about living in a world with social media is that people outside of school can find out more about you than your personality.  With one search on Facebook they'll know whether you're cool-by-association.  They'll have a predetermined opinion about whether you're good enough already.

It's this treatment that makes you feel like you need to be cool by association too.  But does that mean it's right to ditch the people you think aren't good enough?

I seem to care so much.  I can tell you right now that I only got 11 likes in 33 minutes on my last Instagram photo, and I was contemplating whether it was because I posted it at 10am when no one was online.  It's sad that these thoughts actually run through my head.

I always wonder whether people at work judge me based on what they see through my infant of a Facebook profile, and that affects my confidence in real life encounters so much.  The problem is that I actually care about whether they think I'm cool-by-association.  And if I didn't care if I was, then I wouldn't care what they think of me either.

Last night I went to the first big sweet 16 party I've been invited to.  It was at a really nice venue, with a photographer, a great DJ, waiters with dim sim and sliders and sushi, and a blue themed lolly bar.  My first thought when I walked in was shit I don't know anybody here.  I did, and it was a fun night and all, but just imagine if I really wasn't friends with anybody there.  It would've been a nightmare, and all those people would've been the people I deem as cool-by-association.  So I guess maybe being around these people isn't fun at all.  This just goes to show that it's your actual friends, the people you feel comfortable around, thought of as cool or not, who actually matter.

I'm sick of always caring.  I hate that their fake-as hugs can make me so happy.  I hate that I feel the need to act 'normal' around them, restraining everything I am to be associated with them in some way.   I know I always say this, but if I just stopped caring and said what I think in the moment, then everything would be easier.  It's easier said than done, but maybe I should start doing.

My commerce teacher said that some adults just never grew up, and they still have the mind of a ninth grader.  I don't want to be like that.  I want to be above the teenage social status quo.  I've decided here and now that I'm over social media politics, over the idea of being cool by association, and over caring so freaking much.

It's not about who, it's about what.  No one is any better than anyone else.  Sometimes you just don't connect with people, and that's fine - you weren't meant to get along.  And there's some people who are easy to talk to, and they're the ones to stick around.  It's about who you feel comfortable with in the moment, not about the status of the person or whoever can see you with them.

Love,
M

After note: Straight after writing this post I went straight onto Instagram to see how many likes I have now, and then promptly checked whom these likers may be, and how they're associated with the people I was with.  Clearly I've got a long way to go, but I'm working on it.


Sunday, 19 July 2015

Back to School Declutter

I hate to do this to you.  I really do, because I personally dislike posts with no structure and just plain disconnected thoughts - as if we're meant to automatically know and care about what the blogger is talking about.  But I have no idea how else to do this, because I haven't really thought through what I'm thinking about.

You know those quotes that appear on social media, about girls who have all this pain inside but put on a strong smiling facade every day?  I don't get them.  I mean, how much could these girls possibly be going through, and who would care enough to notice?  Sure, we're all a little unhappy inside, and we all have our insecurities and our worries, but are our problems really much worse than anyone else's?  What makes those girls in the quotes so special?  What makes people think the rest of us aren't going through just as much?  Everyone you see is putting on a 'facade', because everyone is strong enough to not go around blubbering their problems and break down every second.

The other day at work I was walking into the break room when this girl was imitating yelling out my name.  Either she was bitching about me, or she was talking about something annoying I'd done.  I don't know the context.  I didn't think I cared that much but afterwards it bothered me.  A lot.  I couldn't stop having doubts about whether people there even like me, whether I'm boring, whether I'm a try-hard.  I used to be cool around them, but my insecurities are sabotaging my interaction.  What is this facade I'm putting on in front of them?

Yesterday I saw two of my close family friends again for the first time in ages.  They're pretty fun, although later into the night I started feeling a little detached.  They're both tall, long brown hair, really pretty in their own ways, and I feel like I'm too different.  They would make a power friendship.  They look like they are already.  And that makes me feel insecure.

It's like every human being makes me feel insecure.  It's gotten almost to the point that I practically disregard myself as a person.  It's unhealthy and stupid and I need to fix it.  I need to realise that I have my own personality, and where I stand is simply where I stand.  People are people just like me and to think of them as anything more is a self-destructive illusive thing.  And the thing about people is that they have reason, and they can't possibly dislike me for no reason.  So if I can't find a reason to dislike myself, there is no reason they should either.  I can't keep being miserable and overthinking every encounter or I'll go absolutely mad.

Yesterday night my dad mentioned my reports, which made me remember school actually existed, and grades are actually a really important part of my life.  I can't believe I forgot about all the assessments and studying throughout the last three weeks.  I mean, it's practically my purpose in life, for now anyway.  Thinking of my grades makes me excited for school again, which is a new feeling.  I want to go back to learning, to having a routine, to striving for something real in the future.  I want to bring my laptop to school tomorrow and look super sleek typing out my notes.

Looks have become more important lately, and despite how materialistic and shallow this sounds, I like looking good.  I've been wearing more minimalistic clothing: black turtle-neck, thick wooly grey cardigan, grey shirts, blue jeans, black boots, doc martens, white ribbed cardigan - they make me look more sophisticated.  Yesterday my mum gave me most of her good-quality makeup raided from her bottom drawer, and I was testing it all out.  I don't know why I feel the need to exaggerate my face, or cover up certain parts.  I just do.

I need to exercise too.

Tomorrow school starts and I want nothing more than to be better.  I want better grades, I want to look better - but most of all I want to feel better.  I need to remember how equal I am, that I'm too good to shrink back inside, that I'm too good to feel that certain people are better than others, too good to feel like I'm better than anyone else.  School starts tomorrow, and maybe I should start growing up too.

Love,
M

Friday, 17 July 2015

Truths from Paper Towns



I read the book a week ago and watched the movie this morning, and I may have just found my new favourite John Green book.  Okay, maybe not.  The Fault in Our Stars was pretty difficult to beat.  I'd say Paper Towns is a close equal though, in a different way.  While Hazel and Augustus' story made me feel, cry and go crazy, Paper Towns had some relatable truths.  And isn't it just genius how John Green is able to incorporate real life lessons and philosophies into a story like this.


College: getting in or not getting in.
Trouble: getting in or not getting in.
School: getting A's or D's.
Career: having or not having.
House: big or small, owning or renting.
Money: having or not having.
It's all so boring.

So what, you're going to go to college, get married, have kids and then you'll be happy, when you're 30?  Is that what you're saying?  Isn't there anything that could make you happy now?

One of the themes Margo continuously brings up on their nighttime endeavour was what I thinks she meant as the idea of paper towns, besides the literal version with the cartographers and plagiarism and all that.  It's like the entire city is made of paper, all the materialistic things are paper, and all the people are paper too, just living like dolls or robots; school, college, marriage and the whole conventional life thing.  It's like people nowadays never live in the moment.

Everyone's goal in life is to be happy, so what exactly are we working towards?  I feel like most of us live in a daily routine, knowing what's going to be happening the next day, and the next year.  I'm not saying I'll ever be straying against that, but how did society become so mechanical.  How did life lose so much excitement?  Is the world better this way?


Here's a tip: you're cute when you're confident.  And less when you're not.

That's how people perceive people.  We're all pretty insecure on the inside, and a confident person makes us feel either intimidated or more confident, depending on that level of insecurity.  It's always the confident people that get attention.  It's them who are acknowledged no matter what.  It's them who get the loving goodbyes.  It's them who are respected.  When you're confident, you draw people to you, and people make experiences.  Basically, be confident; or act like you are anyway.


he was this minor figure in the drama of my life,
[but] he was the central figure in the drama of his own life

We could look at life as a movie, and obviously you're the main character of your own life.  Your friends and family are your co-stars, your boyfriend's the love interest, your worries are the dramas, and everyone else are just extra characters.  Sometimes, though, we get so caught up in our own movie we forget that we aren't the star of everyone else's.  What would it be like to be the star of your best friend's movie, or your mum's movie?  Remember, everyone else is a main character too, and they have their own dramas.



I get so intimidated by people I think highly of that I begin to act different.  Is it so hard to see them as equals, as people just like me?  They're not special.

I was the flimsy-foldable person, not everyone else.
And here's the thing about it.
People love the idea of a paper girl.
They always have.
And the worst thing is that I loved it, too.
I cultivated it, you know?

And here's Margo, the girl everyone thought was special and freaking perfect, talking about herself as a person.  She's saying that everyone likes the idea of her, but they don't know who she really is.  And in the movie today, she didn't know who she really was either.  I feel like this is relatable in a way, because describing yourself is ultimately difficult, even though you're the main character of your own movie.  We're all just people who can be what we want to be; paper people figuratively.

And Margo was someone everyone liked the idea of.  She created her own image because everyone wants people to like the idea of them.  Everyone wants to be thought of as special and complicated.  So I guess that in a world full of flimsy easily manipulated paper people, it's easy for someone to make people see them in a particular way if they pull the strings right.  Pulling the strings right is the art everyone wants to master.  And I guess in this story, Margo had mastered it.

So she ran away and took time to think, figure things out, be happy now rather than live a conventionally planned robot life.  It's a nice thought, although at the same time I reckon it's rather stupid.  Maybe I'm just too attached to the idea of school, uni, marriage.  Or maybe it's possible to fit living-in-the-moment into the schedule.


It is easy to forget how full the world is of people,
full to bursting,
and each of them imaginable and consistently misimagined.

We're so judgemental.  We see strangers on the street or through a car window and immediately start imagining what their life is like.  We meet people at school or at work and immediately create opinions about them, as if we can read the full story.  The version of them that we know is probably someone entirely different than who they really are.  There are so many people, and we'll only ever really know a few of them.  The rest are simply misimagined.



The pleasure isn't in doing the thing;
the pleasure is in planning it

It's the hype that matters.  It's the excitement that makes you think it'll be fun.  It's the idea of the thing.  The actual thing can't be that amazing.  The only thing making it amazing is what you've imagined inside your head.


How can you separate those things though?
The people are the place is the people.

I really like this idea.  I mean, when we think of a place it's the people that come into mind.  Thinking of primary school, I mainly see all the people I sat cross-legged in class with, who I made memories with.  Thinking of the city I was born, all I see are the people I used to play skipping with, the people who were at my birthday parties.  Thinking of school, all I see are the people.  Every place just relates back to the people there because we attach people to everything.  That just goes to show that it's the people that matter, not the materialistic things.

Love,
M

Sunday, 12 July 2015

Holiday Diary Excerpts



It's been a pretty home-based holidays so far, and I've had loads of time to write.  Skim read until you find something worth reading.


Saturday - 27.6.15

I'm really starting to worry about my body and the amount of food I'm eating.  We went to watch this ballet thing yesterday - a modern dance kind - and their bodies were insane.  I feel like I need to change my body, make it the best it can be; I know it's doable, possible, and I'm going to try to be healthy like that when I get home.

...

Maybe I should have a phone-free day.  I think I need one based on my severe obsession.

...

You know, adults are always talking about how self-obsessed our generation is, and maybe they're right.  Were people back in the 90s less selfish?


Sunday - 28.6.15

Well technically it's 1am on Monday morning but I'm not tired and my brain won't stop so yeah

...

I will start jogging in the morning, then Pilates and then I can relax, with 3 solid meals a day.  I will also write my heart out, all my philosophies ordered out and I will practice what I preach as best as I can.  I can become the person I want to be.
Here's to 3 weeks of getting the life I want.


Monday - 29.6.15

Today we watched this waste-of-time Nicholas Sparks movie where the girl said, "I used to not care because I trusted life to work out for me and it did."  I really liked that.  I think I just need to be more... loose.  I need to stop thinking so abjectly about life, to stop stressing.  I should be able to act however I want, exactly like myself, and do whatever happens to me without worrying.  I should just allow things to happen and see if they do.  I should do whatever the hell I feel is right at that moment, and try not to care too much about the consequences.  It's time to stop worrying and be content with everything for a while.  ...  I need to stop worrying because I don't care and if things are meant to be then it should work out without my anxiety.


Wednesday - 1.7.15

Today was one of those poetically pleasant days, in the sense that it was not particularly special yet significant at the same time.  I'm feeling happy now.

I wrote a little.  It was a cute scene, where he takes her to Maccas, but they order through the drive thru on a late night endeavour - two people as different as can be.

I read some old diary entries, spent around an hour doing so.  Nostalgia makes me want to cry.  I messaged P and D, reminiscing about the MED Club and all those silly games we used to play with M and A.  I think I need to keep those memories forever, and all those videos we took.  I managed to recover D's strip-tease.

Mummy and I went out for dinner.  She has such a bad memory.  Stories of her life are so vague.

I texted T one long paragraph this morning.  She did well in her piano exam but was ever so nice about my results.  I wish I could be more selfless and know the right caring stuff to say, like her.

I got an invitation to a sweet sixteen in the mail.  It didn't have a stamp or address on it so she must've come and dropped it in the mailbox herself.  It's cocktail themed and she's rented out a place by the lake.  I wonder who else will be there.

... We're watching a movie on Friday and I promise myself I'm not nervous.  Awkwardness is below me now.

Mummy insisted we watch another movie tonight, so we did.  She fell asleep though.  The movie was 'New York, I Love You' and honestly, it had no story but many.  Isn't it beautiful how every different person has a different life with so many experiences crammed into such a small space.  People are intriguing and I love how that lady took videos of everything.  She captured so much, and maybe if we opened our eyes to outside ourselves we'd see so much more in all our fellow perfect strangers.  People are the reason I want to live in a big city one day.


Thursday - 2.7.15

... Every experience is a lesson.  I just need to open myself up to them.


Friday - 3.7.15

The more I doubt myself, the more closed off I become, the weirder and more wary.  Everybody has their doubts, and mine are normal.

...

Why can't I just be myself more, in front of everybody and anybody?  What if this insecurity is me being myself?  I have great friends who I can say anything to, but how did I make them?


Saturday - 4.7.15

J won't reply to my messages.  And when J doesn't reply you feel like you've done something wrong. I want to be a lovely person like J.  I don't want to lose her as a friend but I don't know what to do.  They say proximity is how you fix a relationship, but she's all the way in another country.  Maybe I'm just looking for something to worry about because I'm not worrying about anything right now.  I guess friendships require effort from both sides, and if she won't put in effort I can't do anything about that.


Sunday - 5.7.15

I think I'm getting better.  Or maybe there's never been anything wrong with me at all.

...

I have too many imaginary conversations and I don't know why I won't either speak that way in real life or not care at all.  I feel like I should be above everything.  I want to be free.  'Fight Club' has messed up my brain because now nothing matters and I'm feeling deeper than I actually am.


Wednesday - 8.7.15

The thing about her is that she's moved schools 4 times, she smoked in year 7, she drinks with her 18 year old friends and is effortlessly cool and is probably going to have a stuffed up life.  Why do I feel the need to fit in with that?

...

S got flowers and chocolates and a long-ass card from her ex-boyfriend delivered to her during work.  It's kinda sweet and surreal and it's her life.  I'm not sure why I wrote that down.

...

We also saw SV and AC, and it was nice being reminded of the school atmosphere.

...

Today T and I were playing that "Heart and Soul" duet on the baby grande piano in the middle of the mall when this youngish lady joined us and played the top part.  It was kinda nice.


Saturday - 11.7.15

I'm pretty good - just not tired.  I've grown into myself more since I last wrote, if that's even possible in such a small space of time.  I guess I'm just really content.  I haven't met up with friends much these holidays, but do I really need to?  I've been working a lot and I like it.  I've been writing a lot too.  Writing here makes me feel the need to be worried, because I'm rarely ever here when I have no problems.  Right now my brain is searching for something to angst over, and there are so many potential worries at the tip of this pen but I'm not going to let them in, so I'll stop right here.  Goodnight now.

By the way, this is my 100th post.

Love,
M

Thursday, 9 July 2015

What They Think Isn't Everything

My sister - I'm not sure if she cares too much or not at all

Over the years I've dug myself a very deep hole, letting other people's thoughts dictate my life, and now I want to fix it.  At the beginning of these holidays I decided that one of my projects would be a mental makeover, to make myself a happier more enlightened person, and what better way to do that than to write it out.

As usual there's been no limit of motivational posts in my blogger dashboard, and I seem to be commenting something along the same lines for every post, because I get the same message every time.  "Rely on yourself," I say, "Don't rely on other people to pick you up with kind words, or to be exactly as you imagined them to be."  Maybe it's time I followed my own preachings.

I've spiralled down into a trap.  It's like there's voices in my head every time I make a decision or do something.  What would they think of what I'm doing right now?  I can totally imagine her saying this.  Other people are always there, as if I'm doing everything for them.  When I'm jogging I wonder what they would think if they were walking past.  When I'm writing I wonder what they would think if they were reading this.  I imagine scenarios where they see me and look at me as if I'm special, like something they've never seen before.  Why can't I just be content with doing what I'm doing because I enjoy doing it, or because I think it's cool?

I spend way too much time imagining these unlikely scenarios where somehow someone thinks I'm great.  And when I imagine such perfect scenarios, real life becomes a disappointment.  I subconsciously want these people to do exactly what I imagine them doing, say what I imagine them saying - and it's all so self centred because in every scenario I am somehow put into the spot light, because apparently I crave approval that much.  The thing is, with all these imagined happenings I don't appreciate the real things that happen.  And even if they were to happen, it wouldn't be special because it's all already happened in my head.  Imagined fantasies ruin real life - and all these fantasies involve the approval I crave so much.

They're in all my worries.  It's like I can't help but dwell over whether they like me, what they think of me; and all this does is ruin my relationship with them in real life, because I'm so freaking paranoid all the time.  I'm such a try-hard, or a not-trying-at-all.  Why can't I just be me?  All I'd have to do is switch off the anxieties and do whatever.  What people think is so trivial and petty because it shouldn't matter.

The thing is, I feel this way about everybody - from someone I'm extremely close to, to someone I barely know.  Sure, it matters what my parents think of me, my closest friends, the people I actually talk to who make my life whole.  But what about all those other people?  There's the people I see at work, the people I see at school, the strangers walking past me at the mall - why do I even care what they think?  I should be able to encounter them as if they're just another somebody.  It's no big deal what they think of me.  They're not really part of my life anyway.

I just need to relax and be happy to be here.  I need to enjoy turning up and letting things happen.  There's no need to pre-fantasise and after-analyse.

Social media is also such a trap.  She didn't follow back, so does that mean she disrespects me as a person?  Did she even add me back on snap chat?  What do they think of my Facebook profile?  Should I have liked that post?  Why hasn't she accepted my friend request yet?  Am I a stalker?  I need to remember that face-to-face is always what matters.  And all those people who I feel have offended me through social media, they're usually exactly the same to me when we see each other.  They're usually just as nice.  That just goes to show that social media doesn't have any real connection to real life.

There's no need to worry about how many follows I get, or how many likes, because if I don't care what people I barely know think then these things don't matter.  I need to learn that their opinions of me don't dictate what I do or how I act, but it's my own opinions that matter.

I somewhat feel like this blog is another example of how much I care.  Maybe I only started it because I wanted other people to approve of my opinions.  I know for sure that blogging here wouldn't be the same without follows and comments.  It's another signal of my much craved approval.  Or maybe this blog is an act of rebellion in my murky mind, because I'm doing this because I like it.  It's not the most conventional thing, and I'm writing what I want because I don't particularly care if people can see inside my thoughts.  I like that, so that's how I'm going to view this.  This blog is the one place where I don't care what people think.

Now I just need to spread that - have that outlook on life.  I will speak as I speak here; out loud and saying what comes to mind.  I will do things because I like doing them, not because other people do.  I need to stop imagining their approval and block all that out, because I need to think of myself just doing the thing in solitude.  No more fantasies.  No more social media trap.  I'm closer to having a happier mind.  Hopefully I'm not wrong about everything.

Love,
M

Monday, 6 July 2015

TMI Tag

I'm starting to think I'm a little too self obsessed, or maybe I have some kind of writers block, because I really feel like answering some questions, and I've found the perfect tag to do so.  Have you guys seen that 100 truths thing roaming out around Facebook?  Honestly, I think it's stupid because what's the point of letting people you know know more about you?  Like, no one cares that much.  Or maybe they're just the people with guts, who are brave enough to share their love for answering questions about themselves on mainstream social media. Anyway, enough with the rambling.

Thank you Salha @The Journeys of a Girl for nominating me for the TMI tag!  For those of you who don't know, TMI stands for 'too much information', and that's exactly what you'll be getting.  There's 50 questions and you probably won't make it to the end.

Here's my challenge for you though.  I want every one of you readers to answer one (or more) of the following 50 questions in a comment.  I recommend number 11.  Lately I've realised that every person has something interesting to share - and I want to know more.



1. What are you wearing?

Blue trackies and a blue fluffy jumper with a fluffy white polar bear on it.  They totally clash.

2. Have you ever been in love?

I don't think so.  Love is hard to find at an all girls private school.


3. Have you ever had a terrible break up?

I'm starting to feel like this school is the cause of me missing out on essential life experiences.  Or maybe I'm lucky.


4.  How tall are you?

Last I checked: 160cm.  But fingers crossed I've grown a bit since then.


5. How much do you weigh?

50kg maybe?  Stop asking me self conscious questions!


6. Any tattoos?

Maybe one day.  I'd like a cute little one on my wrist or my ankle - a Chinese character of some kind of life mantra.


7. Any piercings?

Ear piercings I never use anymore.


8. OTP?

Lara Jean and Peter Kavinsky from To All The Boys I've Loved Before because I was reading it the other day and still am nowhere near over it.  Lara Jean's semi-relatable, you know?  And I want a Peter of my own.


9. What is your favourite show?

Call me trashy but I think it will forever be Gossip Girl.


10. Who are your favourite bands?

I just really like Taylor Swift.


11. Something you miss?

We used to have these family friend dinners and play these awesome games - like The Hunger Games, where we'd run around the neighbourhood trying to figuratively kill each other, carrying our supplies.  We had a cornucopia and everything; and Murderer in the dark; and that other Murderer game with a saboteur we'd pick out of a hat, and we'd hide in that caravan like we were in a horror movie.  We hardly ever have these dinners anymore, and even when we do they're not the same.  People change and grow up, and we're all too influenced by the teen culture around us.


12. Favourite song?

Right now Torn by Natalie Imbruglia


13. How old are you?

15


14. Zodiac Sign?

Sagittarius


15. Quality you look for in a partner?

We just need to mesh well, be able to have fun but also be able to understand each other.  I want one of those relationships where we can talk till 3am, where we know everything about one another and still think each other is awesome, where we're completely honest and trusting.  I don't know what qualities that guy would have.  Maybe I'm just delusional.


16. What is your favourite quote?

"My heart is really pounding," I said.
"That's how you know you're having fun,"

Taken from the book I'm reading at the moment.


17. Who is your favourite actor?

Emma Stone maybe.


18. Favourite colour?

Sky blue


19. Loud music or soft?

Depends on the circumstance.


20. Where do you go when you're sad?

I stay exactly where I am.  It's not like I can just leave or anything.  If I'm at home, maybe the couch?  With a bit of chocolate, a blanket and a TV show playing.  Or maybe my desk, with my diary open and my thoughts trying to be constructed into words in vain.


21. How long does it take you to shower?

Depends on how much I have to think about.  Anywhere from 5 minutes to 30.


22. How long does it take for you to get ready in the morning?

Around half an hour to 45 minutes.


23. Have you ever been in a physical fight?

I watched Fight Club last night and now I kinda want to, if there was no threat of dying or suffering major injuries anyway.  I mean, I probably have been in one - that time in year 1 where I hit a guy with my hat and made his nose bleed.  I was the traumatised one because I thought he would tell and I'd get in trouble.


24. Turn ons?

I hate to say it, but attractive.  Confident and funny too I guess.  But then I feel intimidated so it never really works out.


25. Turn offs?

Rude, doesn't have their life in order, acne, swears a lot, clingy, irritating, smelly.


26. The reason you joined the blogging community?

I guess I just liked the idea of having one.  I had all sorts of ideas on what to write, and I still do.  Maybe I wanted to share my thoughts rather than just having them enclosed in some secret diary?


27. What are your fears?

Being boring


28. Last thing that made you cry?

It was probably a movie.


29. Last time you said you loved someone?

I always say it to my mum.  I just don't like the idea of people who find it awkward to say "I love you" to their parents.  I mean, they're family and they've said it to you all your life.  You know you do love them, so why not tell them so?


30. Meaning behind your blog name?

I'm actually not the biggest fan of it to be honest.  I made it about a year ago and I'm not planning on changing it any time soon though.  I guess it makes sense because this blog is a bit about my life, and I am just little in this whole big world around me.  So I guess this blog is about The Life of Little Me.


31. Last book you read?

To All The Boys I've Loved Before by Jenny Han.


32. Book you're currently reading?

Paper Towns by John Green.  I want to read it before the movie.


33. Last show you watched?

The last TV show was The Vampire Diaries


34. Last person you talked to?

My dad this morning.


35. The relationship between you and the last person you texted?

She's a friend.  We sit next to each other in Latin.


36. What is your favourite food?

Probably popcorn.


37. Place you want to visit

New York, Venice, Prague, pretty much all of Europe.


38. Last place you were?

The mall.  The cinema specifically, where I work.


39. Do you have a crush?

I don't even know what that feels like anymore.  I think so, possibly on multiple people or possibly just on one, or maybe they don't qualify as crushes at all.


40. Last time you kissed someone?

Kissing my mum goodnight.


41. Last time you were insulted?

What is it with people nowadays insulting each other as a joke.  Being insulted feels kind of endearing, because you feel like you're close.  Probably yesterday.


42. Favourite flavour or sweet?

I like the pink and purple gummy lollies.  Or anything salted caramel.


43. What instruments do you play?

The piano and the trombone.  Although I haven't touched either in a week.


44. Favourite piece of jewellery?

Any white gold earrings I own.


45. Last sport you played?

I went for a 5km jog this morning.


46. Last song you sang?

I absentmindedly sing along in the car sometimes.  It was probably Taylor Swift or James Blunt.


47. Favourite pick up line?

If you were a fruit, you'd be a fineapple.


48. Have you ever used it?

Yeah.  That's why it's my favourite.  I used it on some poor tired boy at the mall.


49. Last time you hung out with anyone

I went to see Ted 2 with this guy on Friday


50. Who should answer these questions next?

These guys have some pretty interesting stuff to say:

Kate @The Goodness Revolt
Arushee @Unadorned Gifts
Star Girl @Star Girl Productions
Archie @A Bundle of Contradictions


Comment.  I dare you.

Love,
M

Saturday, 4 July 2015

Little Steps to Happiness

I'd say I've had a pretty good week.  I spent most of it at home, to be honest.


A sweet little book or two

We need something touching, something cute, something entertaining.  I read Jenny Han's To All the Boys I've Loved Before and PS I Still Love You, and once it was over I couldn't stop thinking of Lara Jean and Peter.

 


A bit of healthy living

A morning jog or two?  Maybe some Pilates?  It may be difficult to do at the time, but trust me; afterwards you will feel accomplished and amazing.


Maybe some happy food to reward yourself?

You've exercised.  Go reach for that Ferrero Rocher.  Don't overeat though. There's no doubt that being bloated will ruin your happiness.


Social media doesn't mean anything

Keep scrolling and liking and commenting, but no obsessing.  Followers and likes mean nothing.  Lately I've realised that unless it happens face to face, it may as well not matter.  Never be afraid to meet up, because messaging doesn't mean anything.


Crazy nostalgia

Read some old diaries, some old happy moments - and make sure they don't make you sad or longing.  Get excited.  Contact those old friends.  Say, "Do you remember this!?  Oh my gosh that was so long ago; do you still have it?"  It'll spark a little something.  It'll make you happy to remember.


A movie a night

The Best of Me (waste of time soppy movie by Nicholas Sparks), Blended (Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler and my sister laughing hysterically), New York I Love You (Isn't it amazing: 7 billion people experienced today differently).

 


A new experience maybe

The night before you can't sleep.  You toss and you turn because you're so freaking nervous.  You're freaking out even though you're persuading yourself not to.  It's no big deal.  And when it happens, it was so not worth all that freaking out.  You did fine, as you always do.  Life worked out, as it always does.  And you come home feeling utterly happy.


Feel a little wanted

Text a paragraph to your bestest friend.  Receive something positive in the mail.  Talk to your parents.  Make someone you think is awesome laugh.  Imagine all the people in this world who think you're great.  But also remember, what they think isn't everything.  What you feel is what is.


Believe the phrase: "Awkwardness is below me"

You can get through any situation.  You can talk to literally any person.  Be yourself and say what you want, and nothing will ever be awkward.  Don't feel it because you're too good for it.


Love,
M


Thursday, 2 July 2015

Next Top Model


So I just finished watching the season finale of Australia's Next Top Model - because I'm into reality TV shows and materialistic stuff like that - and Brittany won.  To be honest, I was rooting for Lucy but I mean, Brittany's pretty cool as well.  I couldn't really get into it tonight because my dad was being irritating, but good on Brittany!  I'm not really here to talk about this anyway.

First of all, let's address the important point when it comes to modelling, which is bodies and body image.  Obviously all the girls on the show had the stick thin figures with abs and legs for days and all that.  There were guest judges who were Victoria's Secret Models.  Even the host, Jennifer Hawkins is freaking gorgeous.  They have the bodies we all envy.

It's not the first time I've somewhat wished for that glamorous lifestyle, to be a beautiful person to be looked up to, to be that famous for my physical features, making other girls envy what I have.  That's what a model is after all.  They're effectively there for marketing, to make other girls want to be exactly like them.

It's the cookie cutter image.  That figure's the kind they make the best clothes for.  It's the one everyone wants when it really shouldn't be.  When we were in Sydney I saw these beautiful home-branded dresses; a blue and white polkadot picnic style button up, a black and white bird design; all with a pinching waist and loose-fitting top and skirt.  It didn't look right on me.
Girls buying their formal dresses look at the catalogue models online, with the dresses reaching their mid-thighs.  Barely anyone has the height.  The dress hems reach the knees, sometimes lower.  They use such unrealistically tall girls as models.

I'm not saying the models they have now are sending a bad message or are negative in any way.  I mean, clothes really do look amazing on them.  Height really does make the show go on.  It's just that in reality not all of us can look like that.  It's our job to filter out any negative messages we can think of and just appreciate the beauty of pop culture.

We can all get the body we want if we work for it.  Our bone structures and our heights may not be changeable, but we certainly can get abs, and we certainly can trim down our thighs if we want to.  It's all about fighting for what you want and it may be harder for some, but I reckon we can all get the best body within our potential.  Either way, we're all beautiful, because what's outside isn't everything.

One important theme that's been coming up over and over again throughout this season was the idea of confidence.  In theory you'd think it would be pretty easy to take a great photo given the right lighting and makeup and having that perfect body.  It's so much more than that though.  Camera shy or people shy; it's all relative.  It's the more confident models, the more personality they have, they're the ones that make it in the end.

Part of selling themselves is confidence and the way they carry themselves, the way they speak.  The show wasn't just catwalks and photoshoots; it was about clients and creating a personality as well.  They had to be able to present themselves as exactly what they wanted to be, and I think that's a skill we all need to have.  Just like we can get the body we want, we can become the person we want to be.

The top two, Brittany and Lucy, both have different angles to play by, according to Tyra Banks - and we all need to have some great respect for Tyra Banks.  It's just her attitude, the way she can turn a situation into something funny, something sassy.  She can be the life of the party.  She has that uber confidence.  She has made herself into some kind of attitude queen and I wish I could do that.

Anyway, back to the angles: Lucy is sweet and sociable and light; Brittany is cool and rebellious and has that don't-mess-with-me demeanour.  Both are enviable, and both should be played up.  Personally, I want to be that sociable light girl, able to have a conversation with anybody, to be completely likable.  But at the same time I want people to respect me.  I want to be that girl nobody will mess with, someone who doesn't care what others think that much because she's content with doing her own thing.  How do I make myself into this person?

One thing I've realised is that I need to open myself up to every experience possible, and I've succeeded, compared to just a few months ago anyway.  Now that I'm being put in all sorts of personally unprecedented situations, I want to do them right.  I want to enjoy them.  And to do that I need to be sure of myself.  I need to have that confidence, do what I think my dream person would do.  Or simply do what I'd do.  Because to have confidence, I need to be pleased with my intuition.  I can train myself to be more sociable, more respectable, more content within myself, but at the end of the day I need to be confident in the actions that happen in the moment, the words that come out in the moment, the thoughts.

Confidence is key.

Love,
M