Sunday, 25 June 2017

Currently: Thoughts on teenage euphoria, Wellbeing and More on being Asian

"I want this three week holidays to be more wild, but I don't know what I mean by that."  That's what I wrote in my diary a few weeks ago.

I've been going around explaining the intricacies of the cultural barrier between myself and my parents to all my friends.  "When I was 12 and wanted to go to the mall with my friends for the first time, my mother followed me for the entire day." I say.  "My parents are from a different country, and their culture is who they are, and I respect that.  While their rules may seem unreasonable, they're the way they view life and it's morals, and it would be wrong to disrespect them and their rules for that, so I just obey.  I may not agree with their reasoning at all, but it's okay.  It's the cultural barrier."  To what extent this is true, I don't know.

But now, after a few 'incidents', I've been telling my friends my respect is 'broken'.  I am now willing to sneak out and do all the things they told me not to do.  To rebel, and not get caught because I want to try things?  Or to rebel and get caught in order to make my parents mad?  I don't know what form of justification I've been trying to pose.

The need for justification is what I'm getting at here.  I've been questioning why exactly I make the decisions I do - with the real question also being, should I let the need for justification hold me back? Or should I just do what I do when the opportunity arises; no questions asked.

I've been listening to Lorde's new album lately.  Melodrama is very much house-party themed, where she describes the reasoning behind everything through her much admired lyrics; the way in which we want to feel awesome, are young and ashamed, scared of being alone, share only our best side and will lie to do so, are trying to feel different and be different through whatever measures necessarry... is that the justification?  Or does Lorde simply have different reasons, while the rest of us are fuelling some wide-spread stereo-types and peer pressure?  And again, is justification really needed?

************

The reason I am writing again after months of thoughtless, whinging existence is because I am 6 months away from graduation.  Before beginning a new chapter of my life I want to become the person I wish to be.  That was my goal for 2017, and here we are: the final stretch.

So it's time for some self-care.  Here's some bullet points:

  • Learn to cook
  • Take care of your body
  • Be aware of your personality, and accept it as it is
  • Think ahead for the sake of your career
  • Accept relationships as they come, not as you wish for them to
  • Identify the genuine people in your life, and nourish these relationships
  • Do things in the moment because you want to - no reasons necessary
  • Be confident, always
*************

There is a boy I've been thinking of recently.  I don't know why.  I've been thinking about what I would say to him if he ever asked me if I'd go for him:

"Well, I mean, I would if it weren't for one thing: I feel as if you're ashamed of your culture.  It's not your jokes - I think they're funny.  I just know that you're ashamed.  It's hard to explain, but, you know, being Asian I went through that phase too.  Like, yes people sometimes immediately see us as a stereotype.  A lot of the time a few of these stereotypes are a little true about ourselves, and then they make lots of assumptions, and it sucks, and it's hard, and that's when you become ashamed of your culture and of being seen with people of your culture.  I'd like to hope I've grown past that, but I feel that inwardly, underneath all your jokes, whether you're conscious of it or not, you haven't.  And if I were out with you, I feel as if you'd be ashamed to be seen with me because I'm Asian, and how typical is that."

Love,
M

8 comments:

  1. The title of this post is perfect. These types of post are my favorite.

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  2. I wish I couldn't relate to this to be honest. I think justification comes naturally out of us when we feel as though we're doing something wrong, or different. But I don't think it's needed – or at least we don't need to make ourselves feel better by doing it. To me, justification is a self-defense mechanism more than anything. Great and relatable post as usual!

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  3. Your last thought reminded me of this graphic novel called American Born Chinese by Gene Luen Yang. It's about this guy who is ashamed about being Asian. So he does whatever he can to be "white." His story also ties in with a story about a monkey king who wants to become a god, and a white guy who has to deal with his obnoxious Asian cousin every year. Overall, it's a book about learning how to accept yourself.

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  4. I love these types of posts...And I can really relate.
    I've also been listening to Lorde's album a lot recently..It's an amazing album with a lot of thought provoking/relatable lyrics.

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  5. I can relate so well to how you want to rebel and try new things.
    I have had my fair share of rebellion, hoping I'd get caught while praying that I don't. And I realized I did it because I wanted to show somehow that I am not under anyone's control. Our cultures are similar but I wouldn't understand your situation since a lot of families are the same here, like my family.
    And one thing my mom always tells me, is I shouldn't compare our family to anyone else's but then she goes on to compare me to other girls.

    It's hard for me to respect the culture I live in. I understand the hows and whys. But I can't respect it. I admire it from afar, but not too much.

    Love,
    Saee

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  6. *just listens to Perfect Places and Sober* *reads your post* *relates so hard*
    Honestly, those things on your list are perfect. As for the battle with justification...I'd say do things in the moment because you feel like it for a lot of things, but not for others. Perhaps consequences > justification? Just my barely awake ramblings (:

    xx
    steph

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  7. I love reading your thoughts, I feel like you really share yourself on these posts! :)

    www.letmecrossover.blogspot.com

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  8. i love love love this post so much! thankyou for sharing

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